Friday, May 16, 2008

Rant- Will things ever be normal again?

I think I will take a page out of Julie's book and just plain rant for a minute. I am told that blogs that always sound like life is nothing but rosey are unreal and boring, so here is a dose of my reality-

Warning- TMI

I am cramping and bleeding and haven't been able to feel the baby move in the last few days. I haven't had insurance since May 1st because of changes in life and employment, so I am reluctant to go to Urgent Care or the E.R. At only 16 weeks, if something is wrong there is pretty much nothing they can do about it anyway. All they could do is give me an ultrasound and tell me one way or another. Expensive assurance. My insurance should kick in by Monday, but I am hoping I will feel the darn thing kick before then. It is not very big, so I may not feel it move every day anyway. I am hoping the pain and bleeding is just being caused by a pesky growing cyst on my one remaining ovary, and has nothing to do with the baby. Right now it is quite painful, and kind of stressing me out.

My daughter told me I was horrible and selfish for getting pregnant and I am ruining her life. Two years of her life have been ruined by my pregnancies (Brenley, preeclampsia, this one, cramping and severe nausea) a willing sacrifice to bring another child into this world? Or just another way to ruin my children's lives. Why this little rant? I wasn't able to go to a concert last night, and was unable to go rent a movie tonight for "girl's night in" (tradition we have during Father's and Son's camp out weekend.) I did get a friend to bring over about five movies of theirs that we don't own for the girls to choose from, and promised I would rent a movie on another night that I wasn't so bed ridden. But apparently that wasn't good enough. Not even close. My poor kids are suffering and suffering because I was selfish enough to get pregnant. But it has been so much fun for me!;)

My son called me from school and asked if I could come to his little classroom awards ceremony. As I was hemorrhaging and hadn't heard a word about it until that moment, I felt I better not. So I get to hang up on my crying 7 year old. Mother of the Year.

My friend Tiffany brought me dinner tonight and the house was a flipping disaster. It was so dang embarrassing. Why can't my husband and kids pick up around here when I can't? Maybe they are just used to living in chaos right now. Another check for bad parenting for me.

I haven't really been posting much, because I have been feeling crappier then usual. Here is my first real post in a while. I should be posting about Brenley's swim lessons, Mitchell Mother's Day Brunch, and Kindyl's 3rd grade concert that she got to sing a duet in. I will get to those I promise. Hopefully.

Will things ever go back to normal? Or maybe things were never really normal to begin with....

4 people know I love comments!:

Crazymamaof6 said...

OH my gosh! that sucks! HUGE STRESSFUL BUMMER! here's hoping for an active baby, and insurance starting ASAP! that is scary. good call on passing up the awards, and video rental. it's hard to have people tell you you aren't smart to have another baby. THAT SUCKS! kids have no clue. someday maybe she'll grasp the sacrifice. maybe it was a twin and you are passing one . i did that last time. it included bleeding and cramping, and i swear a gush of amniotic fluid. could be. i spotted for a couple weeks. and still had one healthy baby. fine by me i never wanted twins.

and mothers day? sucks!
hugs for you! just relax. take it easy, and she wouldn't be bringing dinner if you could do for yourself. right? all mom's have to realize life happens and the house goes to crap even especially when mom is on bedrest.

Booker Bean said...

Do you know anyone with their own heart doppler thingie? I know some people decide to buy those things and listen to the heartbeat at home. That might help you feel a little better. And CALL US if you need anything. Clark is home all next week and we'd love to take your kids any time!

Rhonda said...

Ok, you are totally scaring me! I wish there was something I could do! If you need anything, PLEASE call me!
You're not selfish, you're normal! You know that having children is a blessing and that sacrifices have to be made to have those precious gifts! Kids will have a hard time seeing the "big picture" until they are older anyway. It sucks to be you right now, but that's how it is. They know that you love them and do everything you can for them. They will understand and they will forgive you for "ruining their lives". It just takes time. Just breathe..he did say that it wasn't going to be easy, but that it would be worth it. Take care of yourself! It'll work itself out the way it's meant to!

Melanie and Will said...

omg, I've been a slacker on catching up on peoples blogs! Good heavens! I'm sooo sorry you are going thru such a tough time! I really hope you know that you are a GREAT person and mother!! Don't be so hard on yourself. This is a sacrifice for you, and we all know you didn't do it to ruin anyones lives! Hang in there! Please, please call me if you need ANYTHING!!!!!!!