Where is the Love?

There has been an epidemic. Have you noticed it? Everyone is going private.




I kind of hate it.

No offense to those of you going private, I totally understand your reasons. Really. You are good moms.

In fact some of you are my favorite people.

It is just harder to follow blogs that won't pop up on my googlereader.

It has also raised some questions of blogging etiquette. What do you do if someone wants to be invited and you don't want to invite them? Do you just ignore them?

This has happened to me.

There is an old friend who shall remain nameless. Though this post won't say anything bad about her. I actually really like her. still.

Our husbands worked together about 10 years ago and we were good friends. I knew some of her family since I was really young. We went to dinner together, we went to a company overnighter at a resort together, we did softball together, etc. Family baptisms. I even subbed in her bunko group.



She and her husband were hilarious. Hilarious! You couldn't NOT have fun around these two. In fact her whole family would crack you up. They are a close knit family, and you can't help but feel good just being around them.

But I have suspected for a while that she didn't like me anymore,which prompted some soul searching and introspection.

I am not really a fan of introspection as a rule. I don't really like to evaluate my faults. But it is necessary sometimes in order to avoid them in the future.

We fell out of contact with these friends about 7 years ago when our husbands stopped working together. Not right away, though. We had babies at the same time when I had Bren, and we e mailed pictures.


We have brought over Christmas goodies once or twice. We have been over there one other time recently, and Brenley still talks about their three year old, which is kind of sad. Because she doesn't know why I can't take her to her little friend's house. And our husbands will still talk to each other from time to time.

7 years is a long time! My kids were young. Rach was only five, Kindyl 3, and Mitchell was a one year old toddling around. I was a little immature myself I think (25 years old)

I was still new at this parenting stuff, and was more fixated on certain things than I should have been.

Our friends were a little bit older, had been parents for longer, and were a little bit more relaxed. Kind of like we are now.

This and my immaturity were my downfall, I think. Though I couldn't say for sure.

This is what I think happened, pure speculation mind you. I talked too much about my kids education, possibly making it sound like my kids were way more brilliant than hers. (which is not the case, by the way, I never thought her kids were anything less than fabulous) At the time I had Rachael at a private Montessori school and had to get a scholarship and clean the school twice a week in order to pay for it. Crazy.


I think I may have been a little obsessive about my weight and working out. I had been on bedrest with Mitchell for 5 months and put on a few pounds. (in retrospect, I really wasn't very big. Amazing what time and two more kids can do for your perspective )I had also just started going to the gym everyday, which was kind of a big part of my life.


In short, I may have been a little obnoxious. I also remember a phone conversation with her where I may have freaked out a little. I was panicked about something not getting done in time and ticked at Wendell about it. Again, it was my first time doing it and I overreacted.



That and a few other things that I can think of. There were things I would do differently now, to say the least.

As I was thinking about this, it reminded me of someone I recently met and hung out with a few times. She always seemed to point out how much more money her husband made. And how much more righteous her boys were. And a few other things that drove me nuts.

After a couple of times I told myself it just wasn't possible to be this person's friend. She would drive me crazy!

But then I realized something. She probably wasn't trying to make me feel bad. She was trying to make herself feel better. She may be a little insecure. But not a bad person. After a while it was obvious that this was the case. And now she is actually a pretty good friend. (though I still have to just smile and nod when she says rude things)

Had I been doing this too all those years ago? I admired my old friend. I admired her family. Was I insecure about my own? Perhaps. Did I come off the same way toward her? I don't know.

But it is possible.

When we lost touch I missed them. Because, like I said, they were both hilarious! They were good parents with great kids and fun to be around. Her husband was a good example to Wendell. (He doesn't need good examples now, of course because he is perfect;)but this was years ago, before he had perfected himself)



I told myself it was because they didn't work together anymore. And they moved 30 minutes away. Etc. But in the back of my head, I think I knew she just didn't like me.

What? How could that be? ;)Crazy I know.

Anyhow, when I started blogging I came across her blog. It was nice to keep up with her cute little family. I even commented once or twice. When she never commented back, I didn't think too much of it. She might just be the type that doesn't comment, right? There are plenty of people like that. It didn't really bother me .

Until she decided to go private and asked for e mail addresses. I commented and gave her mine a couple of months ago. Then she went private and I am not invited.

Am I mad at her? Honestly, not at all. It is her blog and her family and she has every right to invite whomever she wants. And frankly, she has legitimate reasons not to like me. Nobody should have to stay in any kind of relationship that they feel is toxic.

Mostly I feel regret. Regret for a friendship I have lost. And hurt, of course...

My sister thinks I should have Wendell ask the husband what's up. Since this is all speculation and they are still in occasional contact.

But I am too scared! I don't want to know for sure that she thinks I am a horrible person. Assuming may be better than knowing. By assuming, I can leave a tiny little option open in the back of my mind that it may have been an oversight. Or that she typed in my e mail address wrong. Etc.

I am a coward.

What would you do in this situation? Say it is no big deal (it really shouldn't be) and ignore it? Tell yourself not to obsess over this one person? That is probably what I should do. But I kind of feel this need to know.

Should I have Wendell ask and potentially put these people on the spot? Possibly make them feel the need to lie about it to spare my feelings? Is that really fair?

What do you do?